The fear of being authentically you

As I reminisce on the week gone by I wonder if I'm being my most authentic self. I question my current circumstances and ponder "Is the path I'm on really what I want to be doing or should be doing?". When I engage in any kind of creative expression or spiritual practice I feel at my most authentic. Often I feel a sense of joy and peace as I've been able to inspire or provide comfort and reassurance to someone who's needed it in a way that I feel is most natural to me.

If I'm able to embody this in every moment of my life then I know I'd be able to live contently. This creates an irrational fear that being my most natural self will challenge the status quo that's become ingrained in my daily life. For example, working a 9-5 job in a profession that you've come to dislike in an environment that drains you mentally and physically is the safest way to earn money to support your family and put food on the table, pursuing your passions and leading a life that's outside of the "ordinary" is not secure and stable.

The example I've given is partly why I've developed a fear of being authentically me. Yet this is a belief that comes from my experiences with other people, a concept which I feel is ingrained in society, education and media. I now understand that this idea no longer fits who I am and how I wish to live however there are three things that I need to accept before I can truly overcome this irrational fear.

1. People pleasing - That joy and peace I feel from inspiring or providing comfort and reassurance to others is not always energising. Often there is an imbalance which could be due to a number of factors such as the environment I'm in, the relationship I have with those individuals or even over analysing the thoughts that cross my mind. Setting boundaries will provide that much needed breathing space for my mental health though accepting that it's okay to have boundaries requires uplifting the idea that I must put the needs of others before myself because I don't want to cause them unwanted stress. (During one of my major episodes of depression I needed to get permission from the psychiatrist to quit my job because I was more focused on "what if I let the team down" even though I knew I could no longer work in that environment. It was a very painful experience.)

2. Plan of income - Money is a beautiful tool that can be exchanged for goods and services. Simply mentioning it brings many different perspectives and schools of thought. In this age of technology there are many different ways to generate an income and we are no longer limited to physical brick and mortar stores. I'd boldly claim that lots of major brands have begun moving towards online and order based platforms simply because they're more cost effective, convenient and widely assessable thanks to mobile technology. This means that there is plenty of opportunity for me to generate an income through engaging in creative expression and spiritual practices. I've experienced the taste of freedom that entrepreneurialship provides and as sweet as it is without a solid foundation to build from, it looses stability. The income I currently receive isn't from my passions though it allows me to build the financial security I need. Through accepting this I can and will begin the transition of generating an income that makes my soul sing.

   
   

3. Community - This is simply to accept that there is a place for me in the vast expansive world doing what I love and a community that will accept and support me for who I am without judgement. When I need to take that leap of faith knowing I have people walking beside me as equals, overcoming the fear together never doing it alone but with fellow confidants, brothers and sisters of spirit.

The fear of being authentic is definitely there and perhaps this could be the result of pain and hurt I've experienced. There are times when I shelter myself away from people and often wear a mask, most of the time that mask isn't for other people but for myself. To lie to myself that the way I'm living right now is what I want when the truth is its simply not. But I wonder is it better to wear that mask to save me the pain for being the most authentic version of me. Each day I battle that thought by ignorantly pushing it aside. However the spark within my heart refuses to be ignored only getting brighter and brighter. At some point soon I will be living my most authentic life whether I choose to or not.

Until next week.

Love Dom 💖